


Gusnapped!

by yuletide_archivist



Category: Psych
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-16
Updated: 2008-12-16
Packaged: 2018-01-25 07:28:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1638926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Yak testicles?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gusnapped!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Antheia and Sparky77 for answering my plantive begging.
> 
> Written for GiddyGeek

 

 

**FORM 1803A: Missing Persons Alert, Santa Barbara Police Department**

Time: _After lunch. I had a burrito. Carne Asada. It could've used more guacamole._  
Date: _Today. The day after yesterday._  
Name of Filer: _Shawn "The Most Awesome Psychic Ever" Spencer_  
Name of Missing: _Gus AKA Magic Eightball Head AKA Burton Guster AKA My BFF_  
Relationship to Filer: _Partner in crime, ping-pong and thwarting evil._  
Height: _Not as tall as it says on his Driver's License._  
Weight: _Not too skinny, not too fat._  
Eye Color: _Uhhh._  
Hair Color: _Shaved_  
Location: _Gus' apartment_  
Time Went Missing: _Uh, sometime between that thing we did last night and now._  
  


Shawn waves the form in Juliet's face. "Why do I have to answer all these questions? Who cares when he went missing or the last time I saw him, he's missing now, isn't that what counts?"

To her credit, Juliet just blinks. "Who's missing, Shawn?"

" _Gus_ ," Shawn says. "Gus is missing."

Juliet raises an eyebrow. "He is? Since when?"

"Since this morning," Shawn whines. If Shawn whined. Which he doesn't. He's totally not a whiner. Gus is the whiner. Shawn needs his whiner back.

"Okay, Shawn, it's only 11:30am. It's _still_ morning."

"Really? My stomach totally said it was lunchtime. It's the stress; stress makes me eat."

"Shawn, try to focus. Why do you think Gus is missing?"

"Because he _is_ missing, Jules. He wasn't there when I broke into his apartment this morning to drink his orange juice from the carton and eat the last of the Cap'n Crunch that he keeps in the back behind the bran because he doesn't think I would look there, but I know, because I know Gus."

"Just because he wasn't home, doesn't mean he's been kidnapped."

"Gusnapped, Jules. _Gusnapped_!"

"Sorry, Gusnapped."

"His car was there."

"Shawn."

"His cell phone was there."

"That doesn't--"

"Both of them."

"Okay, but that still doesn't mean he's been kidnapped." 

"What if he spontaneously started sleep walking, left his apartment, and then some Somalian pirates saw him on the side of the road and now they're holding him for ransom? I'm going to have to put his _Justice League of America_ comic books on eBay just to get him back; he's not going to like that." 

"SHAWN!"

"Sorry -- but I'm serious, Jules, he's missing. He would never leave his cell phones behind. I think he takes them to the bathroom with him. He left without his cell phones, or a note, or a goodbye, or a 'Shawn, stop eating my pink grapefruit, which is really good, and take out the trash'. That's just not Gus. You don't know Gus like I know Gus, there's no way he wouldn't tell me where he was. He calls and wakes me up in the morning just to bug me. He's really kind of mean that way."

"What? Guster finally came to his senses and left you?"

Shawn tosses a wounded look over Juliet's shoulder. "That's not funny, Lassie. I know you just want to have me all to yourself, but I think I like them a little more bald. Not that Gus is bald, he just likes to shave his head. It actually feels really--"

Lassiter holds up his hands. "Okay, too much information."

Juliet shakes her head. "Shawn, when was the last time you saw Gus?"

"Last night at around 11pm, after we watched _Iron Chef_ , and Michael Symon won the chocolate battle, and Gus kept telling me to stop drooling on the sofa."

"Oh-kay then," Juliet carries on. "We'll just pretend I didn't ask that. Now seriously, Shawn, what makes you think Gus got kidnapped? Were there signs of a struggle at his apartment? Did you hear a noise? Is anything missing?"

"Yes," Shawn insists. " _Gus_ is missing; he's been Gusnapped!"

Juliet sighs. "Shawn, it's been twelve hours. Are you sure he just didn't go to work early or something?"

"Already called, not there."

"The gym?"

"Gus at the gym? Please. Gus hates sweating. He complains if the temperature is over 75 degrees."

"Maybe he realized who his partner was and fled the country?" Lassiter offers.

Juliet sighs. "Shawn, you know we can't do anything until he's been missing for 24 hours." 

"Twenty-four hours? Who thought up that stupid rule? Do you know you can fly to Sweden in 18 hours? In 24 hours he could be in Siberia. Or Mongolia. Living on the plains and eating Yak testicles."

Shawn is not hysterical. 

" _Yak testicles_?" Juliet and Lassiter parrot together.

"I saw Tony Bourdain do it on _No Reservations_."

"I love Tony Bourdain," Juliet says thoughtfully.

Lassiter rolls his eyes. "Can we go do some real police work now?"

"This _is_ real police work," Shawn insists. "It's a real missing person's case."

"No, this is a 'Guster Got a Clue' case, that's different."

Shawn glares with a murderous rage. Okay, as close to murderous rage as he gets. He feels much more vindicated when Juliet smacks Lassiter on the arm. 

"Jules, help me? Please."

"I'm sorry, Shawn, I can't do anything for another twelve hours."

"But -- but --"

"Sorry, Shawn."

* * *

Shawn wouldn't ask his dad for help unless it was really really really really really really really -- unless it was important. And okay, his dad probably wouldn't help Gus look for Shawn, but he would totally help Shawn look for Gus. Mostly, because Shawn's dad actually likes Gus. Okay, he likes anybody who keeps Shawn out of his hair. So when Shawn calls his dad in the middle of his fishing trip, he's only doing it for Gus' sake.

"Shawn, which part of 'I've Gone Fishing; Don't Bother Me' wasn't clear on my answering machine.

"I'm your son, I'm not bothering you."

"That's entirely subjective."

"Which part, the son part or the bothering part?"

" _Shawn_ , what do you want?"

"Gus is missing. He's been Gusnapped."

There's a moment of silence. "What do you mean Gus is missing?"

"He wasn't there this morning when I went over for breakfast, but he was there last night, and he doesn't have his cell phones and his car was still in his parking spot. He's been Gusnapped."

"Shawn, that's not missing. That's called 'avoiding you."

"He's avoiding you?"

"Not me, Shawn, you!"

"Why would Gus be avoiding me?"

"I can think of at least sixty-five reasons off the top of my head."

"That is so not fair."

"Neither is life, kiddo. Now I know it might be hard to understand in that thick self-involved head of yours, but it's possible that if Gus is missing, it's because he doesn't want to be found."

"But what if something bad happened to him?"

"Shawn, stop for a minute and think. Do you think something bad happened to him or are you just upset that he's not where you want him to be when you want him to be there?"

Shawn scowls at his cell phone. "God, do you always have to be so rational?"

His dad chuckles and says, "I know, I'm so mean that way. Look, I've gotta go. You seem to think you're such a hotshot detective, why don't you go detect Gus' whereabouts?"

"Thanks for nothing, dad."

"I try," his dad says before hanging up.

* * *

Gus isn't at the Psych offices, or at his apartment. Or at the coffee shop down the street from his apartment, where he sometimes goes to try and seem cool, even though he always wears a suit and tie and shoes that are polished. Who the hell polishes their shoes anyway? 

Gus isn't at his office job, or at the Starbucks across from that job, or at the Pinkberry down the street from the Starbucks which is across from Gus' office, which is good, because Pinkberry is nasty. It tastes like chalk. 

Gus isn't at the aquarium or the museum or the marina or the Virgin Megastore that Shawn likes to go to stare at the emo/hipster/hip-hop/teenybopper kids and the guy who does line dancing when he's trying out the latest country music CDs. Not that Shawn expects Gus to be there, but he needs a break, because all the worrying is wearing him out. 

Gus is the one who does all the worrying and now that Gus is missing, Shawn has all this worrying responsibility, and it's just too much responsibility for him to manage on his own. 

He needs Gus.

* * *

Lassiter pretends to be looking for a file on the floor when Shawn stomps back into the precinct. "Lassie, if you keep hiding back there, I'm going to be offended."

"I wish you would be offended," Lassiter snaps, "Anything to make you go away."

"You know, if I didn't know you so well, I'd think you were trying to get rid of me, but I know this is just your way of flirting."

Lassiter's whole face goes bright pink. Shawn grins. "You see what happens when Gus isn't around to supervise me?"

"I have no idea how he lasted this long," Lassiter sputters. "What is it this time?"

"The same thing it was this morning, your tie."

"What's wrong with my tie?" Lassiter protests. "It's a perfectly respectable tie."

"It's lame. It's boring. You need ties with color. Something to bring out your eyes -- Gus is really good with things like that. And speaking of Gus..."

"You still have nine hours to go," Lassiter says gleefully.

Shawn opens his mouth, but Lassiter just smiles and taps his watch.

* * *

Shawn goes back to Gus' apartment and eats all of his Cap'n Crunch, making sure to slurp the milk really loudly. Then he uses the toilet and leaves the seat up. He touches all of Gus' very expensive 'don't touch these Shawn, don't even look at them' collectible action figures and gets fingerprints on Gus' signed copy of some guy's Superman drawing that's supposedly worth thousands of dollars. And then Shawn plops down on Gus' sofa, turns on SOAPNet, puts his shoes on the coffee table and waits. 

If Gus is within 1000 yards of his apartment, he's going to sense that Shawn is totally defiling it. Except Shawn waits and waits and Gus doesn't show up.

* * *

At 5 p.m. Shawn starts to panic. 

"Call out the Coast Guard! Call out the Air Force! The Marines! The Salvation Army! The Girl Scouts! Call out the SPCA and PETA!" he begs Juliet, as he sits on the edge of her desk, very much not looking down her shirt. 

Well, okay, maybe a little bit. It's not like he can't appreciate a nice rack when he sees it. 

"The Girl Scouts, Spencer?" Lassiter scoffs.

"Have you ever tried to go through February without buying Girl Scout cookies? They can find anybody."

Juliet shakes her head. "Shawn, I don't think PETA is quite who you're looking for."

"Well, I would call the FBI, but they can't find Osama bin Laden in Tahiti, so I doubt they could find Gus in Santa Barbara." 

"Osama bin Laden is in _Tahiti_?" Lassiter sputters.

"He could be," Shawn posits. "I'm telling you, Jules, Gus wouldn't just up and leave without telling me. What if something really really really bad happened to him, and you just let it happen? It'll be on your conscious when I'm a widow!"

Lassiter stares. "A widow, Spencer, really?"

"What if Gus's been Gusnapped by the Dread Pirate Roberts, and he's being mean to him? Do you know what Gus is like when you take away his cell phone? He gets all depressed, and then he gets separation anxiety, and then he can't sleep -- he's in distress! He's a Gus in distress."

"More like a damsel in distress." Lassiter mutters.

"I heard that!" Shawn retorts.

Lassiter smiles. "I hope so."

"Seriously, Jules, you have to help me." 

"Six hours, Shawn."

"But what about Gus? Jules, it's _Gus_. Gus is like, like the binky your Grandma crocheted for you when you were five. I can't sleep without knowing where my binky is!"

"A _binky_ , Spencer?" Lassiter's tone says it all.

"Oh, like you didn't have binky, Lassie! I bet you were like Linus and sucked your thumb too."

"I did not."

"Did so!"

"Did not!"

"Did so!"

"I DID NOT SUCK MY THUMB!" Lassiter howls.

The entire precinct goes quiet.

Lassiter's face goes bright red. Juliet taps Shawn's thigh. "I think you might want to go back to your offices for a little while, Shawn," she suggests.

"But what about Gus?"

Juliet sighs. "Look, call me around 7 if you still haven't heard from him, okay?" 

Shawn gives her a huge grateful grin.

"And try not to worry."

"I think we're too late for that," Shawn sighs.

* * *

Considering Shawn is pretty sure that Gus has been kidnapped by the International Confederation of BFF-nappers and Ninja Dudes, he's really really surprised to break back into Gus' apartment and find Gus in the kitchen eating spring rolls. 

"Dude, where the hell have you been?" Shawn shrieks -- if Shawn shrieked -- but he doesn't shriek, he just yells in a really high-pitched voice before throwing himself at Gus.

Naturally, Gus's spring roll goes flying and ends up smacking against the wall and falling into the sink. Also, Shawn is hugging Gus, but Gus is not hugging Shawn back.

"Out?" Gus' tone does not seem like one of "I just escaped death and I had to verify my life by eating lots of greasy food, which is going to leave me hungry again in 30 minutes."

"Out where?!" Shawn demands, pulling back. "I've been looking for you all day! I thought you'd been Gusnapped by a band of ninjas or eaten by the lion that escaped from the zoo."

Gus' eyes go wide. "A lion escaped from the zoo?"

"Well, no, but if it had, it could've eaten you!"

"Shawn!"

Shawn just carries on. "And then what would I do? Who would cut the crusts off my sandwiches, because they're all tough and nasty?"

"Those are my sandwiches!" Gus complains. "I knew you'd been stealing them from the refrigerator."

"Well, sandwiches always taste better when they're made by someone you love."

Gus opens his mouth and then closes it. "Okay, seriously, Shawn, what's wrong with you?"

"I came over to eat all your food this morning and you weren't here, and then I called you, but you left both of your cell phones here and your car was here and you weren't here, and I was _worried_." Shawn punctuates this declaration by punching Gus in the arm.

"OW!" Gus protests.

"So, where were you?"

"I had a retreat this morning, Shawn, we took a shuttle. It was a team bonding exercise for my real job, you know, the job that pays the bills."

"Psych pays the bills."

"The pizza bill doesn't count," Gus retorts. "Besides, I told you all of this last night."

"You did?"

Gus sighs. "Yes, when we were watching _Iron Chef_."

"Oh, was that before or after I started drooling on the sofa?"

Gus just rolls his eyes. "Maybe if you listened to me sometimes, things like this wouldn't happen."

"Yes, but if I listened to you all the time, you wouldn't have anything to complain about," Shawn points out.

"Okay, I'll give you that one."

"Good, can I kiss you now?"

"Uh, I guess so."

"And can we have life-affirming, "Gus didn't get Gusnapped" sex too?"

Gus grins. "You were really worried, weren't you?"

"Yes," Shawn says, smacking Gus on the head. "And it better not happen again."

"Ow!" 

"You are the worst boyfriend ever," Shawn scolds. "Going off to your 9 to 5 soul sucking job to earn money for me and all of our not-yet adopted Cambodian orphans to live in suburban splendor."

"Shawn, shut up."

"I'm serious."

"Shawn, if you don't shut up, you're going to be my ex-boyfriend."

"I was just saying."

" _Shawn_."

Shawn crowds Gus' space, forcing him against the kitchen table. "Are you going to kiss me now or what?"

"Well, I was until you started bitching," Gus complains.

Shawn shakes his head and leans around Gus to get his hands on Gus' Chinese food. 

Gus stares at him as Shawn opens a container of Beef and Broccoli and starts eating it with his fingers. 

"Yeah," Shawn says, eating Gus' dinner, "totally the worst boyfriend ever."

-end-

 


End file.
